today i spent the whole day with Thad. now there is nothing unique about that in and of itself. i spend every day with Thad, pretty much the whole day, unless Calen the Wonder Nanny is here and i take a nap. but today i felt really present with Thad, able to enjoy him, and enjoy myself as a mom. that may not seem like a lot, but presence is something that i struggle with in my life. it is very easy for me to check out. there are lots of reasons that i know of and there are surely more that i don't know.
Thad, though, makes it quite a bit easier. he is just so amazing. i walk into the room and he lights up and i think "he is seeing me!" i don't mean it in a narcissistic way; i really mean this in the way that i allow myself to be enjoyed and to enjoy him. pete is really the only other person that i experience this with--or have in my whole life. but of course it is much harder with pete because he sees my flaws. Thad doesn't yet. i am most of his world and i meet most of his needs.
i would die if anything happened to him. if i ever had to go back to life without Thad, i would die. it makes me sick to think about ever not having him.
so please, please GOD.
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