I am drowning right now . . . in love for my husband and son, in despair that I will ever get the house organized, in apathy toward doing anything that takes me away from my son and in self-loathing at my post-baby body. My life is wonderful, lonely, sinful, growing, uneven and glorious. I am trying to be a good mom: I want to read to Thad, play with thad, return his gaze.
I am trying to be a good wife: I want to grow in intimacy with Pete, I want to make his life better, I want to call good things out of him, I want to delight him.
I am trying to be a good student: I want to not just learn what I am being taught--I want to absorb it, I want to live it, I want to inhabit it, I want to synthesize it with my theology.
I am trying to be the homemaker my hearts wants to be: to be organized so that there is peace in our home, to be clean so there is order in our home, to be uncluttered so our home is a refuge.
I am trying to be more honest: to not take on what I cannot do (as Pete says, overpromise and underproduce), to finish what I do take on, to take responsibility when I fail, to confess when I do not love well.
I am not doing any of it very well--Well, I think I do well with Thad right now. And I have moments of rightness with Pete. But the last three are overwhelming me right now. School is a chore, which it has never been before. Our home is awash in clutter and paper and THINGS. I definitely overpromise.
I am trying to be still before God so that I can hear where to start. To do the next thing and not get overwhelmed.
And to enjoy my boys!
I want to be done with school RIGHT NOW. But I don't want sacrifice the last classes or the internship experience.
